If you’re not in the coaching or personal development industry you probably haven’t heard the term, ‘Secondary Gains’ but it’s an important aspect of many of our lives and can cause a lack of success in our progress.
Often when people make the decision that they are ready to change some aspect of their life, albeit giving up smoking, becoming more confident or losing weight, they have to bear in mind the emotional attachment, that they have to give up as well as the physical one.
Let’s take confidence for example, you’ve decided you want to become more confident so you set about reading books or going to see a Coach to help you improve your confidence. One of the most important aspects to consider is: to make this change, what do you need to give up?
Now at this point most people may think of all the bad things so the change feels easy. But underlying those reasons are all the things that you probably secretly enjoy.
For example, when you lack confidence, how many times do people tell you how good you are and that you should be more confident? You see, hidden in all that desire to be more confident, is the necessity to let go of all that attention and praise people give you. Once you become more confident, people stop giving you praise because you don’t really need it, you believe in yourself. The transition through is difficult and that is what we call secondary gains, it’s the benefit that is hidden away that can prevent your progress.
I once used EMDR, with a young woman who had an unidentified back pain, she had the pain for 15 years and Doctors couldn’t find the problem. After an intense 3 sessions, the pain diminished but as she was leaving, she turned back to me and said “I’m not sure what I’ll do without that pain”. She had realised, that she would no longer get the sympathy and attention she had become comfortable with.
So if you have tried and failed to change some aspect of your life, consider the emotional attachment and what you need to give up before you even start. Becoming more aware of your secondary gains, may well change the outcome and prevent that self sabotage.