At Oldshoremore Retreats, we frequently assist clients who are healing from the impact of having a narcissistic parent. A common reason many adults seek help is the persistent feeling of being stuck and unable to move forward in life.
As a result, it's not uncommon for children of narcissistic parents to develop procrastination habits as a coping mechanism that traces back to their childhood experiences. Here's how this can unfold:
1. Fear of Failure and Perfectionism
High Expectations: Narcissistic parents often set unrealistically high standards, causing their children to develop a deep-seated fear of failure.
Perfectionism: The pressure to be perfect can make tasks seem overwhelming, leading to procrastination as a way to avoid the stress of potentially not meeting those standards.
2. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Constant Criticism: Narcissistic parents frequently criticize and belittle their children, eroding their self-confidence.
Doubt and Indecision: This lack of self-esteem can lead to doubt and indecision, making it difficult for adult children to start or complete tasks, as they may question their abilities or the value of their work.
3. Fear of Judgment or Rejection
Conditioned to Seek Approval: Growing up, these individuals may have been conditioned to seek approval and avoid displeasing their parent.
Avoidance: To avoid potential criticism or rejection, they may delay tasks, fearing the judgment they might receive from others, even in adulthood.
4. Lack of Autonomy and Decision-Making Skills
Control Issues: Narcissistic parents often control their children's decisions, leading to underdeveloped autonomy.
Difficulty in Making Decisions: As adults, these children might procrastinate because they struggle with making decisions independently, second-guessing themselves or feeling paralyzed by choices.
5. Internalised Negative Messages
Negative Self-Talk: Growing up with constant negativity can lead to internalised negative messages, where the individual may believe they are incapable or unworthy.
Self-Sabotage: Procrastination can be a form of self-sabotage, where they delay tasks as a way of reinforcing these negative beliefs.
6. Chronic Stress and Anxiety
Living in a High-Stress Environment: Narcissistic parents often create a tense, unpredictable home environment, leading to chronic stress.
Anxiety and Overwhelm: As adults, this background can cause them to feel overwhelmed by tasks, leading to procrastination as a way to cope with the anxiety.
7. Learned Helplessness
Powerlessness: Being controlled and manipulated by a narcissistic parent can lead to feelings of helplessness, where the individual believes they have little control over their own life.
Procrastination as a Defence Mechanism: Procrastination can be a way to cope with this learned helplessness, as it allows them to avoid situations where they feel powerless or inadequate.
8. Difficulty in Prioritising
Confusion and Lack of Focus: Narcissistic parents might not have modelled healthy time management or prioritisation skills.
Overwhelm with Choices: As adults, this can manifest in difficulty prioritising tasks, leading to procrastination as they struggle to figure out where to start.
9. Subconscious Rebellion
Rebellion Against Control: Procrastination can also be a form of subconscious rebellion against the control exerted by a narcissistic parent.
Defiance: By delaying tasks, they may be unconsciously asserting control over their own life, even if it comes at a cost.
10. Avoidance of Unpleasant Emotions
Emotional Disregard: Narcissistic parents often invalidate or dismiss their children's emotions, leading them to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
Procrastination as Avoidance: As adults, they might procrastinate to avoid the unpleasant emotions associated with difficult tasks or decisions.
If you have been or know someone who is the child of a narcissistic parent and recognise some of these traits then here are a few steps to recovery you can take to counteract procrastination:
· recognise why you are procrastinating, which can stop the self-blame.
· surround yourself with like-minded people, for example, if your goal is to become more creative, surround yourself with creative people. Join clubs, set up groups or attend events where you know like-minded people will be around. It will also make you more accountable.
· Break tasks into more achievable activities, even changing 1% a day about some aspect of your life can lead to amazing change within a few months.
Through some simple changes you can start to fight back against the procrastination that stalls you. Our retreats can also help so don’t hesitate to contact us for more information at oldshoremore.retreats@mail.com