This weeks blog is about Relationships and connects with our Sacral chakra (Swadhisthana) in Yoga.
From schooldays to adulthood there will be people in our everyday lives who do their best to hold us back, dampen our enthusiasm and chip away at our self-confidence but many don’t do it consciously, it’s just the ay they are. It’s usually easy to identify the obvious ones and recognise who these people are but sadly we tolerate them, make excuses for them and as a result we never make the time to move away from them in our lives.
People who drain us, both mentally and physically, have often been part of our lives for a long time and seem to have the power to hamper our progress both personally and professionally by undermining us and sapping our energy. They’re the ones who can’t wait to tell you the negative story they’ve heard, how bad it is and how they would never have done that.
Unfortunately, there are many times when these energy drainers are members of our own family or long term friends and the power they exert over us can be tied up with emotional experiences from their past. Perhaps it’s a controlling sibling or parent who never seems to approve of what you do or is too quick to put you down or cast doubt on your ambitions. It could be a friend who makes your heart sink as soon as you hear their voice at the end of the phone.
So how do we manage these people out of our day to day life? First of all, you need to;
1. Recognise you have a choice about which relationships you nurture and which you let go. Even if you feel some sort of duty to the person in question, it is unhealthy for you to remain in constant contact and important that you start limiting contact to unavoidable occasions such as family get-togethers.
2. Deal with guilt - it’s never easy to make changes to a longstanding relationship and you may encounter overwhelming feelings of guilt or even sadness but that is the normal process of change and sometimes we must go through that grieving process, when we let go of old friendships. If this happens, remind yourself that it will get better and the person in question never felt guilty about their behaviour towards you.
3. Support - Keep in mind some of the truly supportive people in your life, the ones who are genuinely happy to see you get on and spend more time with them.
4. Distraction - If the person you have decided to avoid has to be a part of your life at some level, perhaps because they work with you, live nearby or are related to you, use distraction as a way of preventing their negativity influences from dragging you down. As soon as they begin to moan or complain, change the subject and bring up something totally unrelated. Always have a story or something you’ve read in the back of your mind to bring into the conversation. It will take some practise but gradually they will no longer have any control over the way you feel or behave and it will put you firmly back in control. This in itself can be powerful enough to change the relationship without anything specific having to be said.
I had a friend a few years back and I used to enjoy having coffee every Saturday with her but it wasn’t until it was pointed out to me, that every time I came back, I felt down and relayed all the negative stories I’d been told. The turning point was when I shared something negative that had happened and asked her not to pass it on. Her response was that she was disappointed that she couldn’t tell her husband all about it. I was shocked to my core. I realised in that moment that I really was just a resource for gossip and at that point I decided to distance myself and move her out of my life. So sometimes it takes time to realise that someone really is toxic, and you need to move away from them. It was the best thing I did with this friend, although it was a challenge at the time.
Whatever the outcome, once you have made a conscious decision to draw a line under relationships that damage your confidence and drain you emotionally, you will begin to notice that the people who used to upset you, no longer seem to matter quite as much as they once did.